If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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