I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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