my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
