Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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