we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
