I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
