ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
