It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
