quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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