we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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