If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
my shit smells like andre
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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