I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
