A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
