Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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