just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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