Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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