i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
