if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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