Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
