My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
