I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Then you guys just all showered together...?
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