I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
