i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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