my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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