Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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