so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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