You don't have asthma, your pregnant
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
