Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize