me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
