plz talk dirty to me
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
