I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
