There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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