when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
