i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
