I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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