Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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