I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
