maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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