I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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