I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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