Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
