What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
