if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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