I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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