why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
