Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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