Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize