the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
