My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
