I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize