My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
