I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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