So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
