you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼‍♀️
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
