I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
