I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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