I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
