Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
