mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
